


Left on Read

by UmbreonGurl



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Alternate Universe - K/DA (League of Legends), Comedy, F/F, Texting, ahri is ancient and stupid, no beta we die like your inting teammates, rated M exclusively due to cursing and the use of the word milf 22 times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27658006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmbreonGurl/pseuds/UmbreonGurl
Summary: Ahri's bad habit of stalking her friends' social media accounts leads her on a path that requires asking for a lot of dating advice. (A story told exclusively through texts for help.)
Relationships: Ahri/Luxanna "Lux" Crownguard, Akali/Evelynn (League of Legends)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 133





	Left on Read

**Author's Note:**

> Please, PLEASE make sure you have workskins/creator's style enabled or this fic will make absolutely no sense at all. I use them to make everything look like phones :)

Sona  
  
hey  
  
why did you never tell me you went to high school with a milf  
  
Excuse me?  
  
luxanna crownguard. who is she  
  
How do you even know about her? And she’s not a milf, what the hell are you on?  
  
i was stalking your facebook, she commented on the post you made three years ago about your dog  
  
but thats irrelevant u never answered my question  
  
who tf is she  
  
Okay, first of all, creepy. Second of all, how would I know? We were in almost entirely different classes, and we were never that close.  
  
and yet shes ur facebook friend  
  
smthn doesnt add up here sona. who is the milf.  
  
She’s not even a milf.  
  
idk man she’s got a kid in her pfp  
  
seems pretty milfy to me  
  
She’s an elementary school teacher, Ahri, I’d be surprised if she didn’t have any kids in her pictures.  
  
wait rlly  
  
oh wait it says it right here on her profile lol im dumb  
  
ok so maybe she isnt a milf  
  
I told you that already, glad you’re finally learning to read.  
  
but shes good with kids that at a minimum makes her milf-adjacent.  
  
I take it back.  
  
im right  
  
**Read** hey bitch come back  
  
**Read** wow okay I stalk your photos once and you start ignoring me I see how it is  
  
**Read** screw it imma send her a friend req  
  
Please don’t.  
  
too late lmaooo.  
  
oh wow that was fast she accepted :)  
  
I hate you.  
  
you dont or you would have told me to fuck off a long time ago  
  
**Read** i know u well enough to know that u dont put up with bs and will put ur foot down when something rlly bugs u  
  
**Read** leave me on read if it makes u feel better  
  
**Read** but i know the girl who made a pact w me to break her contract at the same time dont play around and neither do i  
  
**Read**

* * *

Akali  
  
hey you’re dating a milf what do milfs like???  
  
other than cars because i dont think this one likes cars  
  
her brother does tho but comparatively his taste is shit  
  
what  
  
evelynn. what kinda shit does she like  
  
you’ve known her longer than i have?? bruh??  
  
my memory is shit so remind me  
  
its really important  
  
why  
  
the reason why isnt important just tell me what you did to make eve date you  
  
fuck if i know dude i still ask myself that every day  
  
ugh ur no help  
  
ok let me rephrase  
  
what kinda shit makes evelynn do that thing where she tries to be “ugh ur so annoying i hate you” and then she empties her bank account for u  
  
??????????  
  
what the fuck  
  
i hate how you put that  
  
am i wrong  
  
no but its still fucking infuriating  
  
let me think  
  
i need more details about the situation before i can advise anything  
  
who are u trying to impress  
  
some milf adjacent chick i found on sona’s fb page  
  
ahri wtf does that even mean  
  
not important.  
  
whats her name i wanna look her up  
  
luxanna crownguard  
  
fancy name. ok gimme a min  
  
are you calling her milf adjacent because she teaches kids  
  
because if not that i do not see the milf energy here at all  
  
she looks like she’d cry if she played an xbox game online  
  
is she hot? yes. milfy? hell no.  
  
and youd know wouldnt you  
  
wym you said it yourself im dating a milf  
  
im just speaking from experience here  
  
i have seen milfs and that is not milfy in the slightest  
  
she looks like she was a total teachers pet who probs was all honors, maybe a varsity soccer player and if not that likely a cheerleader in hs  
  
id ask sona but shes not answering my texts rn :/  
  
wait a second her last name is crownguard isnt that some politicians name  
  
do i look like i keep up w mortal politics  
  
you do sometimes  
  
it looks like i was right btw  
  
oh shit rlly  
  
ya. i think her dads some bigwig politician  
  
oh wait ew hes one of those  
  
ahri r u sure its a good idea to chase after this chick she doesnt seem like the gay type w a dad like that  
  
she posted pics of herself at the pride parade  
  
she could be an ally?  
  
it was with her gf at the time. now ex, thank god.  
  
wow ok guess she has daddy issues then  
  
no wonder she isnt on any of his campaign photos lmfao  
  
ur one to talk abt daddy issues lmao  
  
fuck you thats different, shens issue wasnt that I was gay it was that i didnt wanna take over the family business  
  
i dont have daddy issues  
  
and yet who ran off to date a sugar mommy? no parental figure issues huh???  
  
im done helping you  
  
go ask someone else  
  
wait come back i was joking  
  
**Read** please im desperate  
  
**Read** oh yeah i forgot to tell u we need u early at practice tomorrow kaisa said smth abt workin on ur solo bit  
  
**Read** see u then :)  
  
**Read**

* * *

Kai'Sa  
  
hey i know this is kinda out of the blue  
  
but speaking from your personal experience what kinda shit does ur gf like  
  
scratch that ur gf is too much of a jock for this to fit my situation, what kinda shit do you like?  
  
What is this for, exactly?  
  
i found some chick online and shes cute. i wanna impress her  
  
Are you saying you have a crush?  
  
maybe? fuck man idk  
  
shes just so cute. she teaches kids, she does charity work in her spare time, blonde hair, blue eyes, a literal angel sent down from heaven  
  
I’ll take that as a yes.  
  
i never said that  
  
but hypothetically if i did what should i do  
  
Have you tried being honest?  
  
fuck no thatd scare her off u kidding me  
  
Not THAT honest.  
  
But maybe just send her a message, something along the lines of “Hey, I’d love to get to know you a bit better, would you maybe want to get coffee sometime?” and see how things go from there.  
  
are you sure this will work  
  
i dont know how you modern kids date cant i just go fight her brother for the opportunity to court her or some shit  
  
No. Send her a message if you’re really that interested. It doesn’t even have to be coffee, you could offer to meet for lunch or dinner instead.  
  
no that sounds too forward for a person you added randomly who is a friend of a friend  
  
ill probs stick w coffee  
  
Good luck!  
  
do preppy girls even drink coffee  
  
u were a little bottom ass bitch preppy kid when u were in school and u dont drink coffee so she probs doesnt either right  
  
I’m going to ignore that.  
  
If she doesn’t drink coffee, she can order something else. Most coffee shops serve more than just coffee.  
  
oh right  
  
ok thank you 4 the help  
  
unlike akali i know someone here actually has my back  
  
speaking of which i told her to come in early and i know she read my text so u should b good 4 2mrow  
  
Thank you, Ahri.  
  
anytime u bottom ass bitch  
  
**Read** wait come back she agreed to meet wtf am I supposed to do now  
  
**Read** i didnt mean it i have no idea whether or not ur actually a bottom ass bitch and if you were i wouldnt judge you for it :(  
  
Fuck off, if anyone’s a bottom ass bitch here it’s you.  
  
uh oh did i strike a nerve there ;)  
  
**Read** oh i definitely did LMFAO  
  
**Read**

* * *

Evelynn  
  
how do coffee dates work  
  
My, my, does someone have a date?  
  
yes  
  
can u help me pls im kinda losing my shit here  
  
please  
  
please  
  
please  
  
I could help you, but it’s funny to watch you freak out.  
  
What can you do to make it worth my while?  
  
what do you want from me  
  
I’m not sure. Make me an offer. :)  
  
wtf is this deal or no deal i didnt come to u to play games  
  
Do you want my help or not?  
  
yes pls  
  
if u help me ill get everyone else out of the house for a day including me  
  
Deal.  
  
Now fill me in on the details, if you would.  
  
ok. so I found this cute chick online right? shes this real preppy, bubbly lookin teacher chick and I asked her to meet for coffee  
  
she said yes and i havent been on a real date in like 150 yrs so idk wtf im doing here  
  
yes shes human yes im stupid i already know this shit idc  
  
we meet in a few days. please help me, what do people do on coffee dates  
  
They drink coffee, I’d assume.  
  
eve please :(  
  
Largely, they chat. It’s all about getting to know each other. The coffee is… merely a delivery method for that purpose. It’s casual, don’t overthink it.  
  
oh so its just u talk abt ur life n shit? u dont gotta like impress her father or anything like that  
  
No.  
  
thank god bcuz imma b real aint no way im getting her dads approval lmfao  
  
glad we dont gotta do that anymore  
  
Is that all?  
  
no i have more questions  
  
Too bad. I’m busy. I expect you to have everyone gone Friday night.  
  
i cant guarantee friday is saturday ok?  
  
No. Make it work.  
  
fine bitch  
  
but u better be on mf speed dial for any questions i have until then  
  
**Read** i know you saw my message you crusty ass grandma  
  
**Read** fuck you ill do it myself  
  
**Read**

* * *

Sona  
  
hey are you still mad at me  
  
cuz id love some advice  
  
What do you need?  
  
i got luxs number after i met her for coffee, when should i text her  
  
like is there any like rules to how long u should wait before texting someone  
  
or is that not a thing bro u know tech sometimes makes me kinda ugh  
  
I’d wait a day or two, personally. I’m assuming meeting up went well?  
  
idk she didn’t seem to dislike me at least  
  
plus shes a fan of kda so that helps a bit  
  
luckily shes not a simp tho cuz thatd make things p weird ngl i think she only knows one song  
  
And do you like her?  
  
yes  
  
shes perfect like tall, smart, has a cute voice, is lowkey kinda geeky, and im abt 70% sure shes a mage??  
  
she didnt outright say it but i could kinda sense it on her. mages are kinda sneakier these days as im sure u know being one urself lmao  
  
but it likely means she’ll care less when i drop the bomb that im not normal either so thats a win in my book  
  
You’ve got it bad.  
  
listen  
  
would you say no if a literal angel was dropped right in front of u  
  
Yes, actually. Kayle can be kind of a huge bitch sometimes.  
  
ok not a literal angel  
  
a hypothetical one. metaphorical even  
  
fuck kayle shes a bitch  
  
Not all the time.  
  
pausechamp  
  
maybe to u lmfao but her sisters told me some things buy enough muffins from Morgana and she spills the tea  
  
You know, it’s hard to believe you’re bad with tech when you start unironically using the words “pausechamp” and “poggers”.  
  
blame akali she makes me watch her stupid livestreams  
  
I thought you said she converted you to liking Fossil Fighters?  
  
no that wasnt her ive always thought that watching evelynn beat the shit out of people is funny  
  
The DS game?  
  
oh  
  
yea i like that too lmao that ones her fault  
  
i still think shes a shit strategist tho everyone knows that two in the support zone one in the attack zone is better than the other way around. akalis too aggressive and gets ezclapped by status effects  
  
What does that even mean?  
  
smh have u never played ff before  
  
No?  
  
oh u should then  
  
do u think im good to text her now  
  
It hasn’t been a day.  
  
how about now  
  
It’s been two minutes since you last asked me.  
  
and now?  
  
**Read** what abt now  
  
**Read** ill take that as a no  
  
**Read**

* * *

Lux  
  
Hi! It’s Ahri haha. I really enjoyed getting coffee with you. I was wondering if you wanted to maybe grab some dinner sometime soon?  
  
That sounds great! When were you thinking? I have parent-teacher conferences this week so I’ll be pretty busy until near the weekend, but would love to meetup anytime after then!  
  
Are you free Friday night?  
  
Definitely.  
  
How do you feel about Italian food?  
  
Love it! :)  
  
Awesome! I know a little hole in the wall joint downtown that has the best risotto you’ll ever have in your life. I could get us a reservation, if you want?  
  
That sounds wonderful, I’d love that.  
  
Got us a reservation for two at 7:30. I’ll send you the details.  
  
Sounds like a plan.  
  
This might be too forward, but would you maybe be willing to pick me up? I don’t have a car and my brother is out of town, so I can’t borrow his. I can get an Uber or something if I have to but it’d be easier to carpool.  
  
I’d be happy to! Just tell me when and where. ;)  
  
Sounds like a plan, thank you so so much! I’ll get back to you with my address.  
  
Looking forward to Friday!  
  
Me too!  
  


* * *

Akali  
  
ur honor i fuckin got em  
  
milf city here i come, booked a one way ticket there on friday  
  
why are you still calling her a milf  
  
a girl can dream ok  
  
wake the fuck up then  
  
im woke as fuck idk what u mean  
  
cant sleep in milf city, got ppl to see and the milfs are pretty  
  
please stop  
  
youre no fun are u still salty i said u had daddy issues  
  
**Read** ill take that as a yes  
  
**Read** have fun on ur date w eve on friday, milfhunter007  
  
**Read** i expect to see you on twitch later, dont let ur three followers down  
  
**Read** oh and kaisa told me u fuckin rocked ur solo, nice job :)  
  
**Read**

* * *

Evelynn  
  
hey can i borrow one of your cars on friday  
  
ideally one of the fancy ones i need to flex  
  
No.  
  
pretty please?  
  
it doesnt have to be a fancy one :(  
  
Make me an offer.  
  
And just making this clear now: if I were to agree to you laying a finger on one of my cars, if you so much as chip a single flake of the paint off I’ll turn you into a rug.  
  
So knowing the risks, are you still interested?  
  
yes  
  
what the fuck do i need to do to get my hands on the keys  
  
do your paperwork for a week or smthn?  
  
That sounds agreeable.  
  
wait i was joking i dont actually want to do that  
  
Then no car for you.  
  
eve cmon i really hate paperwork  
  
And I don’t trust you with my cars. Any other facts you want to state?  
  
fine  
  
Wonderful. I’ll email you an itinerary.  
  
now?!?  
  
Of course. You said a week, not which one. I assumed that meant I could start now.  
  
fuck you  
  
but also thank you for the car  
  
Anytime, darling. Just be sure to bring it back in one piece, or you won’t be when I’m done with you.  
  
i get it ok enough with the death threats they get old we both know u cant kill me  
  
I’d find a way, I’m quite persistent. Good luck with your date on Friday, by the way.  
  
how did u know  
  
You’re not subtle.  
  
but i only told akali so far  
  
She’s not subtle either.  
  
fair enough  
  
just make sure the car you give me is sexy  
  
Do you really think I would drive anything that wasn’t? Please. I have standards.  
  
agree to disagree u once left a body in my fucking living room  
  
**Read**

* * *

Akali  
  
you were wrong abt the xbox thing btw  
  
i went over to her place and im p sure she made a dude cry  
  
it was kinda sexy ngl  
  
whats her gamertag  
  
xRainbowofJusticex  
  
are you joking  
  
no, and no offense u cant judge hers when urs is milfhunter007  
  
mines funny ok  
  
also do u think shed mind if i added her, could lowkey use some more ppl to party up w  
  
want me to ask?  
  
pls  
  
she said to go for it and that she’d love to meet some of my friends online or otherwise  
  
sweet i sent her a req  
  
why does she have more hours in cod than i do  
  
what the fuck happened to little miss preppy goody two shoes  
  
apparently shes a gamer on the dl  
  
cant say im not into it  
  
being good w tech is very very sexy to me  
  
yeah yeah we get it ur a walking corpse go learn to use google 4head  
  
im not a 4head and i already know how to use google  
  
ill get back to u later my game is starting  
  
but shes got my approval dude u found a keeper  
  
i think so too  
  


**Author's Note:**

> First fics I ever wrote (not counting anything pre 2018, rip baby me but I don't count that) were crackfics, so figured I'd go back to my origins a bit and go for some of the most self-indulgent shit I've made in a while. Combine that with the first League ship I wrote a fic for and the texting workskin I really should use more often and you get this. Hope I gave ya' a good laugh or a smile with this, because I was grinning like an idiot the whole time I wrote this.
> 
> For snippets, updates on what I'm working on, and a shit ton of art retweets, feel free to check out my [twitter.](https://twitter.com/UmbreonGurl)


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